I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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