He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Be still, my beating vagina.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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