I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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