1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
