Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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