I think I won the penis lottery.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
