I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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