i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
