Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize