It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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