Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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