It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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