That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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