we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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