Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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