So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize