So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
