She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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