I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
