There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she woke up with a sticky ear
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
