You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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