we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
