woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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