i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
