I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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