Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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