I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
