I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
