Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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