I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
