i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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