remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
