mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
