dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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