I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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