ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
its liver damage thursday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize