Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
