i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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