youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
