Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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