I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
