I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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