First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
