new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
