i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
