I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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