So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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