Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
