Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
