Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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