If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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