just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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