the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
