i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
