I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
