i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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