Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
