Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
