If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
