Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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