I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize