Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
