Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
