We named our party play list daddy issues
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
