OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
