I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
