when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She tied me up with her honor cords...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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