Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
